When tragedy strikes, we want answers. We want justice. We want to make it better. And we want to package it neatly so that we can understand it and tuck it neatly away. When tragedy strikes, we default to sweeping statements and to soaring rhetoric.

But there’s a problem…it isn’t helpful. As a matter of fact, it can be devastating to victims of tragedies, and it can unfairly place innocent people in the path of a blood-thirsty society that is eager to make someone pay…even if that person is innocent.

So, what can we say? What is really helpful in situations like these?

Very little, actually. Victims don’t benefit by hearing your version of why God allowed this to happen. I’ve never met one person who was comforted by the phrase: “I guess God needed them for a big job in Heaven.” Actually, I’d challenge you to NOT speak much at all. You can’t make it better. You won’t eliminate anyone’s pain with your slick words. And the more you talk, the more you minimize another’s pain.

When you talk or tweet about this tonight, remember this advice: FEW words. MORE action. HEARTFELT prayer. MUCH love.

Peace,

Neil

We spoke about two very important things today: Communication and S-E-X.

Of all the things we could talk about, why those two? Because, as my father-in-law so wisely told me the day after I married his daughter, “sex can’t make a marriage, but it can break one.”

In the 11 years I’ve been married, I’ve found an inextricable link between how well we communicate and how often we…are intimate. Men…if you want to have sex with your wife, then you need to learn to communicate well. No two word answers. Listen to what she says and search for what she means. If you do that AND respond to her with loving action, then you will be a lot more fulfilled in your sex life.

While being parents is amazing, and your young kids SHOULD take a lot of your time, make sure that you are investing each day in your marriage. One day, your kids will leave you, as they are supposed to do. If you don’t spend time working on your marriage today, you will have a broken marriage when your kids leave.

Here are some practical tips that we shared today about keys to good communication:

1~ Don’t have important conversations when one of you is tired.

2~ Don’t tell your husband all the things he has done in the last month that have made you want to leave him, when he walks in the door from work.

3~ Make sure that you are not passive-aggressive. Being open and honest about what is good AND bad in your relationship actually increases your level of intimacy.

4~ Don’t be afraid of conflict. It is part of a healthy marriage! Just make sure that when you have conflict, that you take ownership of your feelings. And make sure to avoid extreme statements. Don’t say “You ALWAYS screw up…” Instead, say “I feel sad when you…”

And about SEX:

1~ A young mom’s main obstacle to sex is exhaustion. If your husband is really interested in intimacy, then he needs to be willing to pick up some of the duties that are exhausting you. Tell him what YOU need, so that sex can be entered into positively for both of you.

2~ Learn to speak each other’s love languages. She may value acts of service, but you are a typical “physical touch” kind of guy. If you want physical touch, then care enough for her to learn to speak her language. You’ll never look more like Jesus than when you learn to love your spouse like this.

3~ Forgive quickly. In marriage, you’ll see each other in the best and worst circumstances. Choose to forgive the bad, quickly and your level of intimacy will intensify.

4~ NO is ok. Husbands: you won’t die if your wife says no. She can say “no” and it does mean that you are undesirable or that she doesn’t think you have what it takes.

5~ Don’t say NO all the time. No is ok. You have the right…but if you say no all of the time, your marriage will eventually fall apart. I’ve counseled enough severely broken marriages to know that my father-in-law’s advice was spot-on.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about communication and sex. What has worked well for your marriage?

**This advice only applies in “normal” marriages. If you are being abused in any way, you need to get away safely. I’ve helped many women escape abusive relationships. Contact me for more information or go to this site for more information.

Peace,

Neil

While the boy in the story ultimately harmed himself because of his falsehood, it doesn’t always work that way.  There are times when others are placed in harm’s way because of the selfishness of others.

I believe this is going to be part of the ‘fall-out’ from the Jodi Arias murder trial.  Arias is on trial for the murder of her boyfriend, Travis Alexander.  After telling all sorts of stories about what happened on the day of Travis’ death, Jodi ran out of stories that involved other people.  Her narrative then switched to herself.  She claimed that she killed Travis out of necessity because she was abused by him and she was afraid that he was going to kill her first.

The story doesn’t add up, and there is quite convincing evidence (at least to me) of Jodi committing premeditated murder.  Ultimately, I believe she will be found guilty, and will at least, spend the rest of her life behind bars.  Unfortunately however, her lies will have grave ramifications for true victims of domestic violence.

Victims of #DV are told by their abusers that they are worthless and that no one else would ever want to be with them.  They’re told that they are stupid and wrong and entirely expendable.  Unfortunately, these manipulative tactics are effective and victims believe that they don’t have stories that anyone else would believe.  I’ve spent many hours with these victims, letting them know that God loves them and that we are so grateful to get the chance to assist them on their journeys back to real life.

Because of Jodi Arias’ lies, victims are not going to feel as safe about speaking up.  Why?  Because victims will be afraid that they will be looked at with the same skepticism that Arias is receiving.  Sadly, that is a realistic fear.  When people cry wolf, victims suffer.

I want you to know something…if you are a victim and you are thinking of telling your story, please know that it is safe with me.  I will help you to the very best of my ability.  Do not allow Jodi Arias or any other liars to keep you silent.

For more information or if you are ready to get help now, please click here.

Peace,

Neil Schori

Before I met you and Stacy, I worked at a fitness center, where I met a man who was a prison guard in Dwight. That isn’t very far from where you are right now. He told me that he felt like he should ask me to speak to the women on his cell block. He warned me that they were a tough crowd and that they were very difficult to ‘reach.’

He told me that almost all of the women were convicted murderers and that all were all convicted of violent crimes. At the time, I was only 24 or 25, and while I was intimidated, I knew that I needed to go.

I shared my story with them about how I came to know Jesus, as a senior in college. I watched the hardened looks on their faces wash away as I told them about freedom in Christ. The Apostle Paul said in Galatians 5:1 that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free…”

I told them that it must sound like a cruel joke to some of them to even be told about freedom, since most of them would never be physically free again. I reminded them that so many ‘free’ people aren’t really that ‘free’ anyway. Most people seem like they’re the walking dead; longing for freedom, but searching in all of the places that only delivery lives of slavery to addiction and self.

I told them that they still had purpose as long as they had breath in their lungs. And I told them that they could still be free.

Drew, you can be, too. No, it is unlikely that you will ever be released from prison. And I don’t believe that you should. What you have done is reprehensible, and you’ve taken no responsibility for your actions. But, you can do it. And I pray that you will. Stand up for the first time and admit what you’ve done, and then ask God for the forgiveness that only he can offer.

The moment you do that, you’ll be more free than you’ve been in your entire life.

Peace,

Neil Schori

While her story in and of itself is shocking and powerful, what is most incredible to me is to hear about how her pain led her to becoming a renowned expert and compassionate advocate for others ravaged by the ugly epidemic of family violence.

As I read I couldn’t help but wonder if the pain in my own life was preparation for what God has prepared for me to do. I’m convinced that through Susan’s own painful experiences and by the grace of God, that Susan has effectively shown through this book that her greatest difficulties led to her most satisfying purpose.

Holding My Hand Through Hellis a must-read. It will ignite your passion to serve victims. It will open your eyes to the ugliness of domestic violence. And it will give you a sense of awe as you realize along with Susan, that it was God that held her hand the whole way. Get this book NOW! Learn more about my friend, Susan, as she battles her most recent foe.

I believe that it is time to mobilize our communities to make a real difference for women whom are suffering in silence. In order to do that, we must ACT. Because of my involvement in the Drew Peterson murder trial, I’ve received a lot of media attention, and I’m using it for good.

My desire is for every church in the country to be a safe place for abused women. In order for that to happen, we must have a plan, and pastors and parishioners must respond appropriately to the plan so that abuse victims get the real assistance they need.

The Evidentiary Affidavit of Abuse was created in response to the disappearance of Stacy Peterson. The goal was to eliminate the “hearsay” that Drew Peterson’s team claimed (unsuccessfully) was not legitimate evidence of Drew’s guilt. I’d love it if all of you would go to http://documenttheabuse.com and read about the Evidentiary Affidavit of Abuse. It will bring offenders to justice more quickly than Drew Peterson. It will also empower women and help them to get back their voices. I’ve used it repeatedly in my own church with incredible results. Not one woman has been killed since we started to use this incredible tool.

My goal is for churches and other concerned members of the community to learn to use this tool, but then to offer temporary safe families for victims of domestic violence. If just 5 families in each church in the nation would step up to this challenge, all 1.3 million victims of abuse would be safe from their attackers.

There are many domestic violence shelters out there that are doing tremendous work. But they need more people to step up and do the same kind of work that they are doing. They aren’t funded well enough to do it all, and they need our help.

Here’s where all of you come in: you are all influencers in your respective communities. I need you to share this plan with people that you see each day. As you do this, some will be interested in partnering, and some won’t. The ones that are interested will be trained appropriately, and will start saving lives with us.

If this is something that you are interested in doing, please email me and let me know what YOUR target audience will be. Be specific! If you want to contact churches…tell me WHAT churches and WHERE. We must be clear so that we don’t contact the same people over and over. Make sense? Thank you all so very much!

Watch this video from the Chicago Tribune to learn more.

Breaking the Silence,

Neil Schori

P.S. Please forward this to anyone else that you think may be interested.

I would just like to say that I am one of those woman who Neil has helped escape the domestic violence that I lived with for too many years. It feels so tremendous to say!! I made a video and every time I think about it, it brings me to tears to think, I was one of those woman. How on earth did that happen. I think it is important for woman to know that it’s not just physical abuse that is considered domestic violence. I endured years of emotional and verbal abuse which eventually turned into what I would say is sexual abuse. I still struggle with excepting that but I am working on it. You don’t even realize it is happening because the abuser is so smooth in their tactics. You begin to question your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions and are ALWAYS trying to say or do the right thing. But it will never be the right thing in his eyes. I think Emotional and verbal abuse are often pushed aside because you have no proof, no bruises to show, but by no means is this to be minimized as anything but domestic violence. All abuse leaves a woman feeling defeated, unworthy, scared and unable to make sound decisions. You are constantly questioning everything you do and say whether it is good enough or was the right thing. I lost all sense of myself, I rarely saw friends and when I did I payed for it with verbal attacks for days afterwards. I felt like I was going crazy. I was told repeatedly that I would never get custody of my children he would say to scare me, I was told I had to have sex because he had needs, I was not allowed to go to family birthdays because he was not welcome because of his actions, this is very minimal to what I could write, but you get the point. I still remember the night before I left. I cried out to God to just rescue me, I knew I alone could do nothing to get out of this situation. I cried to God, alright In your time Lord, I trust you will open the door for me to leave. He answered me in less than 24 hours. You have to understand that for many years I prayed for a way out, but I was not fully leaning on my God, I was to be patient and he would open every door for me that I needed, and he did!! I got an order of protection and filed for divorce. I have been free physically for several months now, but the mental, emotional attacks continue most often daily through text messages, because I am in the custody battle of my life. I know God still has a great plan for me, I (and you) just have to trust him. I still struggle with feeling defeated, constantly checking over my shoulder when I hear familiar noises in public, and whenever I see him I slouch as if I am a beaten dog. I constantly tell myself to sit up straight to not allow him this power, I am a strong woman of God. And as all abused woman know this is very hard to believe when you’ve been told for so long other wise. the churches need to become very aware of domestic violence, because woman seek guidance from their church and when you are constantly told under no circumstance is divorce ok, you feel like you have no way out. This is why I am so thankful for Neil and is commitment to make churches more aware of domestic violence. The church I had been attending at the time made me feel like I was making my situation sound worse than it really was. You have to know that most churches response to divorce in a domestic violence situation is very wrong. God does NOT want you to be abused and would NEVER want you to stay under any circumstances. Neil has helped me understand this, he is a great pastor!!! If you don’t do anything to get yourself free, at least for your sanity put yourself in the word of God daily. Psalms is a wonderful book to read anytime you need a lift in your day. I tell myself and my children EVERYDAY to put on the armor of God. Just try it once it feels funny but, you will feel so empowered.

Armor of God ( you actually have to physically stand up in a room by yourself and pretend you are putting on all this armor)

Belt of Truth- God fills you with truth when Satan is filling you with lies, physically pretend to put on your belt.
Shoes of Peace- he is walking with you and helping you find peace. Physically pretend to put on your shoes.
Sword of the Spirit- hold it in your hand!
Shield of Faith-Hold it in your hand and claim it!
Helmet of Salvation- you are saved, Jesus loves you NO MATTER WHAT YOU have done in the past, present or will do in the future!
Put on the full body Armor of God!! It makes me feel awesome and more confident knowing I am protected. Also, make sure you are surrounded by people that can build you up daily, and reassure you that you are going to be okay and that you are not crazy! I am so thankful for people like Neil, Paula Silva, Susan Murphy-Milano and my mom and sister who always believed me and all of the other woman out there too. There are people who care!!

David and I were together for 2 years. In that short amount of time he drastically changed not only my life but who I am. I have many emotions when I think back over our relationship. David ruined his life but I have paid the consequences for his actions. His abusive behavior towards me not only caused me great physical pain but I have suffered and continue to suffer physically, emotionally and financially.

I was physically broken, literally! David broke my hand causing me to be unable to continue in the certified nursing assistant (CNA) program, delaying my plans for nursing school. It is still my dream and goal and I am determined to achieve in spite of the many obstacles. David broke my jaw on three separate occasions ( July 2010, April 2011, June 2011) causing me to spend over half a year with my jaw wired shut. Over that half a year period I lost weight dramatically dropping to just 93 pounds and suffered from severe dizziness. It continues to affect what I can eat and ultimately the nutrition that my body receives, as I have several loose teeth that need to be repaired. In addition to the nutritional affects, the physical effects are chronic pain and swelling in my jaw. The swelling has changed my facial appearance so much that I have friends who don’t recognize me. After being in the head more times than I can count, I suffer from brain trauma, especially after the last beating in June of 2011. I am just now coming out of a fog, just now able to focus long enough to begin living a somewhat normal life involving a job, independent living, and going back to school. It has been over a year that has passed and I am just starting to really physically heal.

I was emotionally broken. David isolated me from my family and friends and in the end I had no one to turn to. I struggle to rebuild those relationships now, unable to believe anyone could really love me. I feel unworthy of their love and support. This is all due to David constantly telling me lies to isolate me from everyone but him. I have trust issues that I may never overcome. I live in constant fear. At one point in our relationship, I was trying to find a way out, a way out for me and my children. He reacted by threatening to kill our puppy. When I did not come home, I was called and told he had been hit by a car. No accident report was filed, neighbors did not see or report a dog being hit, nor was Bella taken to a veterinarian. She was buried so fast we never were allowed to see her or say goodbye. Believing what he did to our puppy, I could only imagine who or what would be David’s next victim. Out of fear, I agreed to allow my children to move out of state with their father in an effort to distance them from David. I miss them terribly but I could never forgive myself if they were hurt directly by David or indirectly by watching David hurt me. Similarly, I protect and continue to protect my loved ones by keeping distance from them. I do not let anyone too close for fear that David may hurt them to hurt me. I always have a backup plan for escape, constantly playing scenarios in my mind. Similar to many women in physically and emotionally abusive relationships, at first I hid from the memories, through coping mechanisms ranging from using work to keep me busy to excessive drinking to numb my mind. Through Alcoholics Anonymous, I am now 9 months sober, choosing to face my future head on. I am haunted by memories, the nights are the worst. I need medication to help me fall asleep and just recently have been able to sleep though the night. Lack of sleep has made clarity and normalcy nearly impossible. I will continue to require counseling for years. I feel I have been trapped by David. I feel uneasy when someone stands between me and an exit. I feel overwhelmed; every move I make, where I live, where I work, my first thought is can David get to me or my loved ones.

I was financially broken. I worked 2 full time jobs but David would spend money faster than I could make it. He did not work the entire course of our relationship. I worked hard to buy items for the home- TV, computer, ipods- but he would sell, trade or hock them to support his drug addiction. I tried to keep money safe but David would find a way or beat me till I gave him what he wanted. My paychecks were not enough most of the time and any savings I had, David drained. My credit has been ruined as a direct result of David’s actions. We had bills I could not pay and evictions due through David’s damages to our home. I still have a bill from First Site Reality for $4000 worth of damages from his destructive behavior. This has made securing a place of my own, a sound car, and continuing my education a real challenge.

Finally, I am emotionally & financially ready to live independently; getting to this point has taken me a long time. I have a fulfilling job that gives me routine and confidence in myself. I am growing stronger each day by accepting help from others and letting go of the shame and embarrassment of being in an abusive relationship. I have leaned heavily on my faith, trusting in God to direct me in every move I make. I was afraid to be out in the world, but with my faith in God and through my hopes that I will be safe because David will be in prison, I am able to start living my life.

David has taken little responsibility for his actins against me in the past and I feel it’s unlikely he will unless the court holds him accountable for his actions by serving time in prison versus a lenient sentence of probation. He received conditional discharge and probation for other acts of violence against me, but he never followed through on treatment or counseling. Therefore, it is my hope that each day he spends in prison will give me and my family time to heal, time to get back on track with my educational goals, and finally some peace.

It all started one fun filled evening while at the mall with 2 of my best girlfriends in September of 1993 . We were actually headed home and there in the parking he stood with 2 of his friends. They flagged us down and I was immediately infatuated with this boy, any 16 year old girl would have been. He was so cute. We got to talking exchanged numbers and thats when my 3 1/2 years of abuse started.

It’s funny because my instincts told me to get out at the first signs of trouble however I was young , dumb and naive. We had gone to a high school football game and afterwards we all went to the local Pizza Hut to hang out as was the norm after the games. I had seen a classmate of mine that had been absent for a few days and I gave him hug. At this point was when I noticed my boyfriend not really talking anymore and he appeared to not be having a good time at all. I chalked it up to the fact that we went to different high schools and he didn’t know any of my friends. Later I would find out that I was sadly mistaken by his silence. We returned to the apartment I lived in with my dad and we were hanging out in my room and his demeanor still hadn’t changed so I kept asking him what was wrong. The next thing I knew, he grabbed me by my arm, jerked me down on my bed and told me he had better not ever see me hug another guy again. I was shocked! I couldn’t believe what was happening and I jumped up and explained to him that we were just friends and that I didn’t understand what the big deal was. He immediately apologized (of course) and said he felt terrible for grabbing me like that and it would never happen again (classic abuser). I being 16 of course believed this and was almost flattered that he was jealous, because naturally that must have meant that he really liked me right?

A few weeks passed and nothing else had happened there was nothing physical being done to me and there was no verbal or mental abuse………YET!!

Fast forward two months to November of 1993, I had gotten my drivers license on my 17th Birthday and not long after that I was in car accident that was my fault while driving 2 friends of mine home after exams, one being a male. Thank God we were all okay, that is until he came to my house to meet me. I of course thought it was because he was concerned and wanted to see for himself that I was ok, boy was I wrong. This was the first time that he literally beat me up. He threw me against walls he picked me up and dropped me on a table, he punched me, kicked me, slapped me and verbally attacked me as well. If anyone should have reacted this way about me being in a car wreck it would have been my dad whos car I wrecked (my dad would have never done that anyway). My boyfriend was so angry that I had another guy in the car and that was my punishment. I cried, I screamed and found that when I tried to fight back, it only made him angrier. Why didn’t I leave then you ask? As soon as his attack was over, he literally started crying and apologizing telling me that he didn’t know what had come over him. He begged me not to leave him because I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he loved me so much. Again, 17, young, dumb and naive, I believed him.

Fast forward to January of 1994. I found out I was pregnant but hadn’t told him yet, I of course waited until after I suffered through another one of his beatings for God only knows what at this point. I thought this is the perfect time to tell him, he will apologize again, he will mean it this time because we are going to have a baby. He did cry again, he did apologize again and he rubbed my stomach and proceeded to promise me that this time he meant it, it would never happen again, he could never hit me now that I was carrying his child. WRONG!!!

Once he found out I was pregnant that abuse got worse but how could I leave him now? My dad was being transferred to Tennessee for his job, and I wasn’t going to go live with my mom because she had made it clear the minute she saw him, hadn’t even stepped out of the car yet, that she didn’t like him and he was no good for me!

I feel that I am extremely lucky thay my daughter who will be 18 tomorrow is even with me today. I am lucky that I was not killed and neither was she while I was pregnant with her. He busted my lip open when I was pregnant one time because I confronted him about his other girlfriend, whose picture he had taped to the back of his drivers license. He broke a glass and slammed my arm down on the table into the broken shards of glass. He told me I was fat, no good, worhtless. He told me that no one would want me now that I was going to be a teenage mom so it would be pointless to leave him. I believed him, when a person day in and day out tells you these things over and over again, you start to believe them, especially when you are young and impressionable.

There are many stories of abuse that I could share that went on through my whole pregnancy but I can’t tell them all, there wouldn’t be enough time.

My daughter was born in September of 1994 and things were good for a month or two and then they got really bad. I got a job and he didn’t like the fact that I was working and actually had to talk to people, customers and co-workers alike. Again, not exactly sure what happened, what triggered him but a few days after Christmas I suffered another beating. this time rather than just leaving marks on my arms and legs etc., he left bruises on my face. Guess who still didn’t leave? Thats right, this girl. There was another incident where we were fighting and he was hitting me and I either called my mom or she called me and she called the police from where she lived, two and a half hours away and sent them over to my house and I refused to press charges because I was so terrified. The police knew how terrified I was but with out my cooperation there was nothing that they could do.

Abuse continues and continues and in July of 1995 we have another daughter. I know, what was I thinking right? I was thinking that I was scared, lost, lonely and feared that he would take my children and run as he had threatened so many times before. I lied to everyone who asked. I told no one the truth, only my mom really knew and she was powerless to help me if I didn’t want the help.

We eventually moved to Tennessee with my dad, me, him and the two girls and my mother kept talking to me and talking to me because she had gained awareness about Domestic Violence through an agency called Women Helping Women in Cincinnati, OH. I finally listened and we came up with a safety plan to get me out of my dads house without my boyfriend knowing and let my dad deal with him after I was gone.

I have to be honest with you, that day was one of the hardest days of my life because I was broken, I was beaten down and truly believed that I was worthless and that no one else would want to be with me being 19 with two small children. We stayed separated for a few weeks and we actually did reunite for a few months but then I decided that enough was enough and I just couldn’t do it anymore, I could not be with him and at that point he wasn’t even physically abusing me.

What I have shared with you is just a small, small, almost miniscule look into the abuse I suffered. I could go one for days if I listed every punch, slap and kick.

To wrap this up, I wish I had been educated in high school about these types of relationships.
I wish I would have just ended things the minute I knew something wasn’t right just weeks into seeing him.
I wish I would have listened to my mom the minute she told me she knew he was no good for me.
I wish I had told my dad what was really going on and hadn’t been so afraid.
I wish that I had felt better about myself so Ididn’t feel that he was the best that I could do.

The only good thing that came out of my relationship with him were my two daughters that we share and the fact that he walked away from them and they weren’t physically abused by him is a true blessing even though him not being in there lives has brought about its own struggles. They did witness some abuse but not much thank God.

I just want people to know that there is help out there.
They aren’t sorry when they apologize and they will hit you again.
Tell someone you trust that can help you with a safety plan.

Thanks for listening.

After rushing into marriage things were ok, not great but we decided to make things work. There were times when we had fun, usually around friends. And especially in the beginning, we made a consorted effort to have a good relationship.

Issues arose very early. We would have a great day, and in the middle somewhere, we would have a conversation and when my opinion differed I would hear things like, “Now, I think less of you.” The remarks were sharp and at first, far between. Most of our issues were about his actions. He had blatant disregard for rules at his place of employment, and in our home- spending most of his time out with friends or playing video games. Refusing to watch the children. He refused to acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries, and never gave gifts. On our wedding day, he never once commented nor complimented, in fact- he put me down. He hated for me to wear makeup, cut my hair or have a hobby. I decided I could handle the disrespect and simply turned inward more and more- until things digressed.

The abuse turned from verbal and mental to physical- short hard pushes against my shoulders, knocking me down. Threats. Typical threats of suicide, divorce, violence. I said I would leave if it got much worse. But my threats were half empty so his got worse- fueling the dysfunction. He made sure to only push me, hold me down or back me in a corner yelling, “I won’t hit you but if I do, it’ll be in the f***ing face so you’ll remember it.”

Most of our arguments centered around money or sex. I didn’t want to be with someone who has hurt me, that spiraled out of control, culminating in several violent outbursts and attempts to force a physical relationship. I lost self confidence, grew really thin and sick and lashed out- reacting very ungracefully. I was borderline anorexic and looking for love outside of my marriage. I had swelling and bruising from being pushed and pulled- which I hid from my friends. Finally, after a few years and a particularly violent episode I left. After being thrown around, kneeled on, held down and groped-I fought my way out of my own home- he took my keys, my phone, my shoes, my coat and I ran.

The church we attended at the time took him in. I received no phone calls, no visits. No one asked if I was ok, or why I had an order of protection. I received notes on christian notecards- written elegantly, misquoting scripture, saying I should “lay down my life for my children and go back to my husband.” I was told, “You’re wrong and you’re going to hell for it.” Thankfully, although I am very full of past mistakes and sin myself, I have studied scripture and was able to see through the lies. I had friends who left me and some who stood behind me and reassured me. They said even though they hadn’t seen the confident part of me in a while- it was in there and they loved me.

Years later, I have custody and he has visitation. Hes undergone counseling and admitted to some of the abuse. Daily I deal with the ramifications of the abuse although I refuse to live as a victim, but as a survivor. I fight and sometimes lose to the voice in my own mind that tells me I’m not going to be loved or that I’m hard to love. The voice that rings through saying his words “You’re not going to make it, you’re unintelligent, no one will employ you, no one will take you in and no one can love you.” After a few years of nightly crawling under my covers and begging God for peace- I have more peace than anxiety- much more. And I fight off those words less and less.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, know this:
God does not require you to stay. You are strong and I’ll help you, Neil will help you. Call Neil and get a copy of Time’s Up, by Susan Murphy-Milano. I have peace and you can and will have it too.