Boston: What can we say?

Events are still unfolding, but it appears as though we’ve had another terror attack on US soil. At least two bombs were detonated and several people were killed, and countless others were horribly wounded.

When tragedy strikes, we want answers. We want justice. We want to make it better. And we want to package it neatly so that we can understand it and tuck it neatly away. When tragedy strikes, we default to sweeping statements and to soaring rhetoric.

But there’s a problem…it isn’t helpful. As a matter of fact, it can be devastating to victims of tragedies, and it can unfairly place innocent people in the path of a blood-thirsty society that is eager to make someone pay…even if that person is innocent.

So, what can we say? What is really helpful in situations like these?

Very little, actually. Victims don’t benefit by hearing your version of why God allowed this to happen. I’ve never met one person who was comforted by the phrase: “I guess God needed them for a big job in Heaven.” Actually, I’d challenge you to NOT speak much at all. You can’t make it better. You won’t eliminate anyone’s pain with your slick words. And the more you talk, the more you minimize another’s pain.

When you talk or tweet about this tonight, remember this advice: FEW words. MORE action. HEARTFELT prayer. MUCH love.

Peace,

Neil

2013
04/15
CATEGORY
Uncategorized
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TALK SEX

Today, I had the opportunity to speak with Brandi at MOPS! MOPS stands for Mothers of Pre-Schoolers…and I would say it is one of the best things that a young mom could possibly invest in. Young moms need healthy outlets to re-boot on the motherhood journey and MOPS is a significant re-charging station. There is most likely a MOPS near you, so click here to find one!

We spoke about two very important things today: Communication and S-E-X.

Of all the things we could talk about, why those two? Because, as my father-in-law so wisely told me the day after I married his daughter, “sex can’t make a marriage, but it can break one.”

In the 11 years I’ve been married, I’ve found an inextricable link between how well we communicate and how often we…are intimate. Men…if you want to have sex with your wife, then you need to learn to communicate well. No two word answers. Listen to what she says and search for what she means. If you do that AND respond to her with loving action, then you will be a lot more fulfilled in your sex life.

While being parents is amazing, and your young kids SHOULD take a lot of your time, make sure that you are investing each day in your marriage. One day, your kids will leave you, as they are supposed to do. If you don’t spend time working on your marriage today, you will have a broken marriage when your kids leave.

Here are some practical tips that we shared today about keys to good communication:

1~ Don’t have important conversations when one of you is tired.

2~ Don’t tell your husband all the things he has done in the last month that have made you want to leave him, when he walks in the door from work.

3~ Make sure that you are not passive-aggressive. Being open and honest about what is good AND bad in your relationship actually increases your level of intimacy.

4~ Don’t be afraid of conflict. It is part of a healthy marriage! Just make sure that when you have conflict, that you take ownership of your feelings. And make sure to avoid extreme statements. Don’t say “You ALWAYS screw up…” Instead, say “I feel sad when you…”

And about SEX:

1~ A young mom’s main obstacle to sex is exhaustion. If your husband is really interested in intimacy, then he needs to be willing to pick up some of the duties that are exhausting you. Tell him what YOU need, so that sex can be entered into positively for both of you.

2~ Learn to speak each other’s love languages. She may value acts of service, but you are a typical “physical touch” kind of guy. If you want physical touch, then care enough for her to learn to speak her language. You’ll never look more like Jesus than when you learn to love your spouse like this.

3~ Forgive quickly. In marriage, you’ll see each other in the best and worst circumstances. Choose to forgive the bad, quickly and your level of intimacy will intensify.

4~ NO is ok. Husbands: you won’t die if your wife says no. She can say “no” and it does mean that you are undesirable or that she doesn’t think you have what it takes.

5~ Don’t say NO all the time. No is ok. You have the right…but if you say no all of the time, your marriage will eventually fall apart. I’ve counseled enough severely broken marriages to know that my father-in-law’s advice was spot-on.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about communication and sex. What has worked well for your marriage?

**This advice only applies in “normal” marriages. If you are being abused in any way, you need to get away safely. I’ve helped many women escape abusive relationships. Contact me for more information or go to this site for more information.

Peace,

Neil

2013
04/05
CATEGORY
Uncategorized
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How #JodiArias will make life harder for victims of #DV

Do you remember the story of the boy who cried wolf?  If you don’t, you surely understand the concept of it.  If you pretend like you are in need of something, but you really aren’t, eventually people won’t pay attention to you any more.

While the boy in the story ultimately harmed himself because of his falsehood, it doesn’t always work that way.  There are times when others are placed in harm’s way because of the selfishness of others.

I believe this is going to be part of the ‘fall-out’ from the Jodi Arias murder trial.  Arias is on trial for the murder of her boyfriend, Travis Alexander.  After telling all sorts of stories about what happened on the day of Travis’ death, Jodi ran out of stories that involved other people.  Her narrative then switched to herself.  She claimed that she killed Travis out of necessity because she was abused by him and she was afraid that he was going to kill her first.

The story doesn’t add up, and there is quite convincing evidence (at least to me) of Jodi committing premeditated murder.  Ultimately, I believe she will be found guilty, and will at least, spend the rest of her life behind bars.  Unfortunately however, her lies will have grave ramifications for true victims of domestic violence.

Victims of #DV are told by their abusers that they are worthless and that no one else would ever want to be with them.  They’re told that they are stupid and wrong and entirely expendable.  Unfortunately, these manipulative tactics are effective and victims believe that they don’t have stories that anyone else would believe.  I’ve spent many hours with these victims, letting them know that God loves them and that we are so grateful to get the chance to assist them on their journeys back to real life.

Because of Jodi Arias’ lies, victims are not going to feel as safe about speaking up.  Why?  Because victims will be afraid that they will be looked at with the same skepticism that Arias is receiving.  Sadly, that is a realistic fear.  When people cry wolf, victims suffer.

I want you to know something…if you are a victim and you are thinking of telling your story, please know that it is safe with me.  I will help you to the very best of my ability.  Do not allow Jodi Arias or any other liars to keep you silent.

For more information or if you are ready to get help now, please click here.

Peace,

Neil Schori

2013
03/01
CATEGORY
Current Events
Domestic Violence
12 comments

An Open Letter to #DrewPeterson

Drew~

Before I met you and Stacy, I worked at a fitness center, where I met a man who was a prison guard in Dwight. That isn’t very far from where you are right now. He told me that he felt like he should ask me to speak to the women on his cell block. He warned me that they were a tough crowd and that they were very difficult to ‘reach.’

He told me that almost all of the women were convicted murderers and that all were all convicted of violent crimes. At the time, I was only 24 or 25, and while I was intimidated, I knew that I needed to go.

I shared my story with them about how I came to know Jesus, as a senior in college. I watched the hardened looks on their faces wash away as I told them about freedom in Christ. The Apostle Paul said in Galatians 5:1 that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free…”

I told them that it must sound like a cruel joke to some of them to even be told about freedom, since most of them would never be physically free again. I reminded them that so many ‘free’ people aren’t really that ‘free’ anyway. Most people seem like they’re the walking dead; longing for freedom, but searching in all of the places that only delivery lives of slavery to addiction and self.

I told them that they still had purpose as long as they had breath in their lungs. And I told them that they could still be free.

Drew, you can be, too. No, it is unlikely that you will ever be released from prison. And I don’t believe that you should. What you have done is reprehensible, and you’ve taken no responsibility for your actions. But, you can do it. And I pray that you will. Stand up for the first time and admit what you’ve done, and then ask God for the forgiveness that only he can offer.

The moment you do that, you’ll be more free than you’ve been in your entire life.

Peace,

Neil Schori

2013
02/23
CATEGORY
Uncategorized
2 comments

Holding My Hand Through Hell—By @murphymilano

Susan Murphy-Milano is very sick with cancer today, but her legacy is alive and well. Susan has done what true heroes do; overcome their obstacles and show others how to do the same thing. In her latest book, Holding My Hand Through Hell, Susan artfully shares her own painful journey through the desolate life that domestic violence perpetrated upon her family through the savage actions of her own father.

While her story in and of itself is shocking and powerful, what is most incredible to me is to hear about how her pain led her to becoming a renowned expert and compassionate advocate for others ravaged by the ugly epidemic of family violence.

As I read I couldn’t help but wonder if the pain in my own life was preparation for what God has prepared for me to do. I’m convinced that through Susan’s own painful experiences and by the grace of God, that Susan has effectively shown through this book that her greatest difficulties led to her most satisfying purpose.

Holding My Hand Through Hellis a must-read. It will ignite your passion to serve victims. It will open your eyes to the ugliness of domestic violence. And it will give you a sense of awe as you realize along with Susan, that it was God that held her hand the whole way. Get this book NOW! Learn more about my friend, Susan, as she battles her most recent foe.

2012
10/09
CATEGORY
Current Events
Domestic Violence
5 comments

How YOU Can Become a #DV Advocate

So many of you have reached out to me to ask how YOU can help save lives of the many victims of domestic violence in your communities. For that, I’m truly grateful. Thank you so much!

I believe that it is time to mobilize our communities to make a real difference for women whom are suffering in silence. In order to do that, we must ACT. Because of my involvement in the Drew Peterson murder trial, I’ve received a lot of media attention, and I’m using it for good.

My desire is for every church in the country to be a safe place for abused women. In order for that to happen, we must have a plan, and pastors and parishioners must respond appropriately to the plan so that abuse victims get the real assistance they need.

The Evidentiary Affidavit of Abuse was created in response to the disappearance of Stacy Peterson. The goal was to eliminate the “hearsay” that Drew Peterson’s team claimed (unsuccessfully) was not legitimate evidence of Drew’s guilt. I’d love it if all of you would go to http://documenttheabuse.com and read about the Evidentiary Affidavit of Abuse. It will bring offenders to justice more quickly than Drew Peterson. It will also empower women and help them to get back their voices. I’ve used it repeatedly in my own church with incredible results. Not one woman has been killed since we started to use this incredible tool.

My goal is for churches and other concerned members of the community to learn to use this tool, but then to offer temporary safe families for victims of domestic violence. If just 5 families in each church in the nation would step up to this challenge, all 1.3 million victims of abuse would be safe from their attackers.

There are many domestic violence shelters out there that are doing tremendous work. But they need more people to step up and do the same kind of work that they are doing. They aren’t funded well enough to do it all, and they need our help.

Here’s where all of you come in: you are all influencers in your respective communities. I need you to share this plan with people that you see each day. As you do this, some will be interested in partnering, and some won’t. The ones that are interested will be trained appropriately, and will start saving lives with us.

If this is something that you are interested in doing, please email me and let me know what YOUR target audience will be. Be specific! If you want to contact churches…tell me WHAT churches and WHERE. We must be clear so that we don’t contact the same people over and over. Make sense? Thank you all so very much!

Watch this video from the Chicago Tribune to learn more.

Breaking the Silence,

Neil Schori

P.S. Please forward this to anyone else that you think may be interested.

2012
09/25
CATEGORY
Current Events
Domestic Violence
5 comments

Breaking the Silence of Domestic Violence—”God does NOT want you to be abused…”

From yet another brave woman, telling her story of #DV and survival. Be encouraged as you read her story:

I would just like to say that I am one of those woman who Neil has helped escape the domestic violence that I lived with for too many years. It feels so tremendous to say!! I made a video and every time I think about it, it brings me to tears to think, I was one of those woman. How on earth did that happen. I think it is important for woman to know that it’s not just physical abuse that is considered domestic violence. I endured years of emotional and verbal abuse which eventually turned into what I would say is sexual abuse. I still struggle with excepting that but I am working on it. You don’t even realize it is happening because the abuser is so smooth in their tactics. You begin to question your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions and are ALWAYS trying to say or do the right thing. But it will never be the right thing in his eyes. I think Emotional and verbal abuse are often pushed aside because you have no proof, no bruises to show, but by no means is this to be minimized as anything but domestic violence. All abuse leaves a woman feeling defeated, unworthy, scared and unable to make sound decisions. You are constantly questioning everything you do and say whether it is good enough or was the right thing. I lost all sense of myself, I rarely saw friends and when I did I payed for it with verbal attacks for days afterwards. I felt like I was going crazy. I was told repeatedly that I would never get custody of my children he would say to scare me, I was told I had to have sex because he had needs, I was not allowed to go to family birthdays because he was not welcome because of his actions, this is very minimal to what I could write, but you get the point. I still remember the night before I left. I cried out to God to just rescue me, I knew I alone could do nothing to get out of this situation. I cried to God, alright In your time Lord, I trust you will open the door for me to leave. He answered me in less than 24 hours. You have to understand that for many years I prayed for a way out, but I was not fully leaning on my God, I was to be patient and he would open every door for me that I needed, and he did!! I got an order of protection and filed for divorce. I have been free physically for several months now, but the mental, emotional attacks continue most often daily through text messages, because I am in the custody battle of my life. I know God still has a great plan for me, I (and you) just have to trust him. I still struggle with feeling defeated, constantly checking over my shoulder when I hear familiar noises in public, and whenever I see him I slouch as if I am a beaten dog. I constantly tell myself to sit up straight to not allow him this power, I am a strong woman of God. And as all abused woman know this is very hard to believe when you’ve been told for so long other wise. the churches need to become very aware of domestic violence, because woman seek guidance from their church and when you are constantly told under no circumstance is divorce ok, you feel like you have no way out. This is why I am so thankful for Neil and is commitment to make churches more aware of domestic violence. The church I had been attending at the time made me feel like I was making my situation sound worse than it really was. You have to know that most churches response to divorce in a domestic violence situation is very wrong. God does NOT want you to be abused and would NEVER want you to stay under any circumstances. Neil has helped me understand this, he is a great pastor!!! If you don’t do anything to get yourself free, at least for your sanity put yourself in the word of God daily. Psalms is a wonderful book to read anytime you need a lift in your day. I tell myself and my children EVERYDAY to put on the armor of God. Just try it once it feels funny but, you will feel so empowered.

Armor of God ( you actually have to physically stand up in a room by yourself and pretend you are putting on all this armor)

Belt of Truth- God fills you with truth when Satan is filling you with lies, physically pretend to put on your belt.
Shoes of Peace- he is walking with you and helping you find peace. Physically pretend to put on your shoes.
Sword of the Spirit- hold it in your hand!
Shield of Faith-Hold it in your hand and claim it!
Helmet of Salvation- you are saved, Jesus loves you NO MATTER WHAT YOU have done in the past, present or will do in the future!
Put on the full body Armor of God!! It makes me feel awesome and more confident knowing I am protected. Also, make sure you are surrounded by people that can build you up daily, and reassure you that you are going to be okay and that you are not crazy! I am so thankful for people like Neil, Paula Silva, Susan Murphy-Milano and my mom and sister who always believed me and all of the other woman out there too. There are people who care!!

2012
09/13
CATEGORY
Current Events
Domestic Violence
2 comments
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