Today, I had the opportunity to speak with Brandi at MOPS! MOPS stands for Mothers of Pre-Schoolers…and I would say it is one of the best things that a young mom could possibly invest in. Young moms need healthy outlets to re-boot on the motherhood journey and MOPS is a significant re-charging station. There is most likely a MOPS near you, so click here to find one!
We spoke about two very important things today: Communication and S-E-X.
Of all the things we could talk about, why those two? Because, as my father-in-law so wisely told me the day after I married his daughter, “sex can’t make a marriage, but it can break one.”
In the 11 years I’ve been married, I’ve found an inextricable link between how well we communicate and how often we…are intimate. Men…if you want to have sex with your wife, then you need to learn to communicate well. No two word answers. Listen to what she says and search for what she means. If you do that AND respond to her with loving action, then you will be a lot more fulfilled in your sex life.
While being parents is amazing, and your young kids SHOULD take a lot of your time, make sure that you are investing each day in your marriage. One day, your kids will leave you, as they are supposed to do. If you don’t spend time working on your marriage today, you will have a broken marriage when your kids leave.
Here are some practical tips that we shared today about keys to good communication:
1~ Don’t have important conversations when one of you is tired.
2~ Don’t tell your husband all the things he has done in the last month that have made you want to leave him, when he walks in the door from work.
3~ Make sure that you are not passive-aggressive. Being open and honest about what is good AND bad in your relationship actually increases your level of intimacy.
4~ Don’t be afraid of conflict. It is part of a healthy marriage! Just make sure that when you have conflict, that you take ownership of your feelings. And make sure to avoid extreme statements. Don’t say “You ALWAYS screw up…” Instead, say “I feel sad when you…”
And about SEX:
1~ A young mom’s main obstacle to sex is exhaustion. If your husband is really interested in intimacy, then he needs to be willing to pick up some of the duties that are exhausting you. Tell him what YOU need, so that sex can be entered into positively for both of you.
2~ Learn to speak each other’s love languages. She may value acts of service, but you are a typical “physical touch” kind of guy. If you want physical touch, then care enough for her to learn to speak her language. You’ll never look more like Jesus than when you learn to love your spouse like this.
3~ Forgive quickly. In marriage, you’ll see each other in the best and worst circumstances. Choose to forgive the bad, quickly and your level of intimacy will intensify.
4~ NO is ok. Husbands: you won’t die if your wife says no. She can say “no” and it does mean that you are undesirable or that she doesn’t think you have what it takes.
5~ Don’t say NO all the time. No is ok. You have the right…but if you say no all of the time, your marriage will eventually fall apart. I’ve counseled enough severely broken marriages to know that my father-in-law’s advice was spot-on.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about communication and sex. What has worked well for your marriage?
**This advice only applies in “normal” marriages. If you are being abused in any way, you need to get away safely. I’ve helped many women escape abusive relationships. Contact me for more information or go to this site for more information.